CSI Meets Keep America Beautiful

What's that white stuff all over the ground??!!

Well, if you're in central North Carolina, chances are IT AIN'T SNOW! Our meager chance for snow Friday night didn't pan out. So it's more likely "that white stuff" is cigarette butts, Kleenex, plastic grocery bags, or styrofoam cups.

Okay, so this isn't gonna be one of those "feel good" posts. But confronting our continuing litter problem is something I feel compelled to do periodically.

Since Thanksgiving, I've done a couple of roadside litter pickups along our road, filling up two garbage bags each time. I regularly pick up smaller amounts just in front of our own property. This situation has been consistent over our 30+ years living here.

I'm sure the litterbugs have changed during that time. Some of the truly legendary ones who prowled have passed on. But a new generation, equally thoughtless, have stepped up to carry on the work. If America was becoming a throw-away society in the 70's and 80's, we've perfected it in the last two decades. We have more disposable packaging than ever before, and much of it will neither be recycled nor see a landfill. It is destined to be tossed, chucked, or pitched out of a car window.

There is such a thing as unintentional littering, such as articles or refuse fluttering out of the bed of pickup trucks or unsecured loads headed to the landfill. But the sad part is the intentional littering that a small minority of our populace nonchalantly engage in. And with the volume that is generated, I'm thankful at least that they are a small minority.

Littering is, after all, a crime. A misdemeanor. It is hard to catch perpetrators in the act, and law enforcement officers rightfully have many higher priorities. But as I've been reading lately of lower murder rates and other signs of diminishing violent crime (but the gang population of prisons is accordingly UP) I have begun to wonder. . . .

Is now the time to begin to incorporate some of the wondrous investigative techniques of shows like CSI (fill in the blank with your favorite city/version) into attacking the litter problem full force?

You see, one thing about litter is that it almost certainly is laden with DNA evidence, especially the fast food trash (not a reference to the customers). Fingerprints, residues, bodily fluids. Okay, I'll stop there. You get the idea. But our police departments now have the resources to track down litterbugs with even minute shreds of evidence.

Imagine these conversations among investigators:

• "Okay, let's get a quick analysis of these drippings on this Kleenex. Match the DNA and verify that the suspect has a sinus infection."
• "Hmm. Once we check out the contents of this discarded Pampers, we can search the data base to match the baby with its parents."
• "Quick. With these teeth indentations on the Hardee's cup, do a universal search of dental records and we'll nail this creep."

You still think this is far-fetched? Well here are a couple of examples from my own neighborhood pick-up. With sufficient manpower, time, and biotech resources, the culprits could finally be held accountable for their flagrant violations.

ITEM 1: Not one, but THREE empty packs of Hanes Solutions hose were on my roadside pickup. They were together, implying the violator tossed them simultaneously and with malice. Here's where technology steps in. First, the fingerprint check. Try to unwrap anything without leaving prints. Impossible. A close look reveals the size EXTRA LARGE. I'll give you a hint: we're not looking for that attractive model pictured below. I'm confident a CSI style investigation would reel in our plus-size perp in no time.

Also strewn along the road's shoulder were these TEN packs of Marlboro cigarettes. Since other brands were not found in the vicinity, evidence suggest a repeat offender, rather than multiple cancer-stick addicts who just happen to litter the same area.

Besides the ease of fingerprinting, DNA could be matched with butts gathered in the same general area during that time. A thorough investigation could reveal even more. Perhaps MUCH more. These Marlboros could have been smoked by someone in the process of cutting back on their smoking. Here's one scenario:

There's one pack of regular Marlboros. Then one pack of Light 100's. Then seven packs of Lights. (Nobody said quitting's easy) Then the green menthol pack (Christmas season--remember?). And finally two packs of Extra Lights.

The profile of who we're looking for gradually emerges. A well-meaning smoker who aspires to quit by New Year's. Continues to smoke well into December, but guilt-ridden, flings the empty cartons (which he or she now despises) out the car window night after night on that dark, lonely stretch of the Murdocksville Road.

This public enemy could never escape the clutches of an all-out CSI type dragnet.


The possibilities are endless. The nineteen beer cans I collected, crushed, and recycled would have similarly led to arrests I have no doubt. These people are secretive and like to litter when no witnesses can finger them, but they're not cunning enough to vary their brands. I am as sure as I can be that the ten Bud Light cans spaced along less than a mile were pitched by a couple of drinking buddies who had already consumed them and just didn't want them cluttering their vehicle. Here, we could not only match finger prints (very hard to wipe down from aluminum) but also saliva. These poor dopes are guilty of more than littering. Open alcoholic containers in vehicle. Probably driving while impaired. Likely public nuisance/noise ordinance (such as hooting while tossing cans out window) or even public indecency (mooning innocent residents as they weave down the road).

Still think it's far-fetched? After all, what's the use in having all this Homeland Security money if we don't prosecute to the full extent of the law. And I'll let you in on a little secret. Our worst litterbugs probably never litter from airplanes.

A couple of my readers may recall this personal anecdote from my classroom days: Once when I was talking to the class about how their families had fun, one little boy said, "We drive around and throw beer bottles at STOP signs."

Sad thing was, he was serious. The problem is serious. And I am serious. . . sort of.